When I separated from my wife, it was a sad and scary process. But the decision to go through with our separation was, ultimately, a smart one. So what have I learned about separating from a spouse that might be useful for anyone in a similar situation?
Well, using my power of hindsight, which might be a superpower to some, here are some of the things I wish I knew before getting separated. I hope it will serve as inspiration, or in some cases a warning, to others going through a similar situation.
If you thought your friend group was mature enough to stay friends with both parties after a separation or divorce , then you thought wrong. People pick sides. Sometimes the choice is obvious. Usually, the friends brought into the relationship or made during the marriage stick with their original team. Usually, sides are chosen based on convenience or whatever causes the least trouble for everyone involved.
If a separation is working in favor of reconciliation, Robinson-Brown says signs will include improved communication, decrease in conflict, an openness to making adjustments to improve a marriage, and a willingness from both parties to engage in couples therapy —if warranted. On the other hand, signs that a marriage is headed for divorce usually include ongoing or escalating conflict, struggling to rebuild trust, struggling to view your partner in a positive light, and an unwillingness to work on the issues that led to the separation.
In many ways, a separation is a loss and thus should at least partially involve a grieving process. As Wang points out, it's a loss of dreams for the future, a steady life, friends, family members, and financial stability. But more so, it's a loss of trust, "of losing hope and a sense of direction in life.
Both Wang and Robinson-Brown believe that weaponizing separation will only lead to negative outcomes and take you down a path you won't necessarily be able to find your way back from. Strategically pick a time and place to sit down with your partner and communicate that you need space. Pay attention to their body language, facial expressions, and emotional cues, so you can better gauge how to proceed throughout the conversation.
Doing so will only turn the discussion into a blaming game. Do your best to catch yourself when you fall into the easy trap of criticizing your partner or pointing out their flaws.
You don't know their side of the story, so don't speak for them. There's a misconception that the person who initiates the separation feels better than the one who is being delivered the message, says Wang, but at the end of the day, it's an emotional process for everyone involved. Move slowly, be thoughtful, and prioritize peace as you move through this time. Want your passion for wellness to change the world?
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Coincidentally, her parents separated after 27 years of marriage and also remained friendly, she said. World globe An icon of the world globe, indicating different international options. Get the Insider App. Click here to learn more. A leading-edge research firm focused on digital transformation. Natalia Lusinski. Some couples choose to stay married even after legally separating and leading separate lives. Reasons to stay legally married include for tax and insurance purposes, or because divorce is simply too expensive.
We spoke to eight people who gave their reasons for not filing for divorce. Visit Insider's homepage for more stories. This woman stays married so that she and her children can continue to be covered by her husband's health and dental insurance.
One man said he and his wife will stay married until he can put the mortgage for their house in his own name. Another man and his wife simply haven't found the time or demand to file for divorce. When you have been married to or living with someone for a considerable period of time, it is likely that most aspects of your lives, both personal and financial, will have become intertwined.
As you contemplate ending a relationship, it is natural to want to begin separating yourself from your partner. Many people also find that they want to make other life changes at this time, for example to their career, lifestyle, or parenting arrangements. It is important to keep in mind that, if you and your husband or wife are in court litigating claims for child support , custody, or access , the court will give considerable weight to the arrangements you and your spouse had before separation, and will tend to evaluate your plans and actions against that former status quo.
There are some changes that, if you hope to make them in the near future, you should begin immediately, and others that you should not undertake. If you are considering a change of career, you should ideally do this before separation, particularly if you would be changing from a higher-paying job to a lower-paying one.
If you are the main income earner for your family and you suddenly switch to a lower-paying job after your separation, the court may perceive this as an attempt to escape support obligations and may still require you to pay child or spousal support amounts in accordance with your former income. If your job is such that your income fluctuates from year to year, for example, if you own your own business and have had a particularly good year financially, you will want to make the court aware that the current year represents an unusually high income amount.
When determining income for child support purposes, the court can, under the Child Support Guidelines , s. On the other hand, if you have had a bad year this year, your lifestyle should reflect that.
Make sure that your husband or wife knows about your financial difficulties and that you cut expenses where possible and appropriate. You do not want to have a lifestyle before separation that is above your current means. If your spouse has been a stay-at-home parent in the past, you may want to encourage them to return to work now, so that they already have an income when you separate.
If you own your own business, do not take discretionary expenses from your business, as this will only increase your income. If you wish to sell your business, there is no reason you cannot do so before separation if you wish to.
But if you are merely considering selling the business, it is best not to discuss with your partner how much you think the business is worth, or even if you have received an offer for it. You do not want your wife or husband arguing that your business is worth a certain amount of money if in fact you do not want to, or cannot, sell it for that amount. A business is worth what someone is willing to pay for it, when you want to sell it.
However, you may be required to value your business, and if so the valuator will ask you if there have been any offers to purchase your business. If there have been any, you must disclose this information. Typically, it is fathers who have less time at home and who therefore are able to participate less in the day-to-day activities with children.
When deciding the issues of custody and access, courts look to the level of involvement each parent has had with the children before separation, and particularly things like who picks up and drops off the children at school or daycare, who accompanies them to lessons or activities, who watches their sporting events, and who puts them to bed and ensures their basic needs are met on a daily basis.
Start spending more evening and weekend time with your children now if you hope to do so post separation. If you had a will before you were married, marriage will generally have revoked that will.
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